Conversation: You can’t change him girl! (but you CAN change how you choose)

by Monday, October 14, 2013

changechooseFor as long as I’ve been old enough to care about men & dating, I have been subjected to the strong opinions of women on how to get and keep a man. Surprisingly a majority of women are under the impression that, with enough food, lovin and a bit of intrigue a man can be changed into Prince Charming or perhaps even Prince Akeem. Maybe for a split second I believed this, but only before I had any experience of my own to draw conclusion from. Now I’m in my 30’s, and yet i’ve heard this proclamation within the past year from a woman of the same age. Perhaps this was an acceptable train of thought during the first 10 years of dating … maybe even up until your late 20’s but past 30, we all should have learned that changing a man is unfathomable. I wouldn’t want – or try to.

He needs to know who he is.

In my most brash opinion, if a man wants to date me at 30, and isn’t sure of who HE is by 30 then we have no future. I would look for a man who is committed to who he has become but also looking and open to growth, thus prompting him to become a better man. If I am able to have some influence on that process – GREAT, but it needs derive from his own decisions & aspirations. Also we shouldn’t mistake compromise for change. In relationships we compromise, either of you compromising something doesn’t mean you are changing the other. It means you are making important informed decisions, perhaps exchanging something for something else for the good of your relationship.

He needs to know who he wants to become.

You can’t tell ANYone who they SHOULD be. As people we all have habits, and if we don’t grow out of them or learn from them we can’t be forced to change them. As a woman if I can recognize my own faults in life and in relationships, and strive to fix whatever the habit or life pattern is, I am taking the first step to becoming a better person overall. Altering these habits will enhance  self esteem and effect the kinds of men I pick for the better.

If a man is unable to see something that may be unsavory to the opposite sex or habits and behaviors that cause trouble and drama repeatedly – it’s because he hasn’t got a grip on his life or doesn’t care to have any different outcome. No you can’t make him stop coming in late, no you can’t stop him from being a “mammas boy” and NO you can’t stop him from overindulging in ANY extracurricular activities. If it’s your opinion that it will make him a better man, thus more datable and perhaps marriage material one day – he has to ALSO share that opinion for the change to occur.

In closing the point I want to make very clear is that, we as women can’t change a man, nor should we want to. However, we can change ourselves into the kind of women who wouldn’t want to change a man to make him fit into our lives. We can change ourselves into the kind of women that are ok with searching a little while longer instead of “putting up” with undesirable behavior. We can change the way we choose men, and seek those who already possess the core necessities that benefit a successful relationship with us. Don’t try to change him, think more of yourself and make the necessary changes to your own life so that once he comes along, you’ll recognize HIM and he’ll recognize YOU.

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