Not only did he live with her but she worked in the lounge! That’s what I found out upon my first interactions with “him” in months. My newly single crush had just been honest with me. Brutally. I was unaffected … we all had known there was some reason my lusty soulful advances hadn’t ever been taken seriously. Now I know the truth … and now that I actually had a valid shot … I didn’t want to take it. I’m not mad or bitter, I just realize in any situation knowledge most certainly is power.

So I have been on hiatus for a little while – but I’m back … and of course I only get better. Its 2008 and I have already begun to accomplish some of the resolutions I set for the year. Now back to this business in the first paragraph. I have only been “out” once since my birthday in September. I was fine with downing a bottle of sparkling red in my bed on New Years and I have also been ok with spending my Saturdays in the gym. Last week I was feeling quite lovely and the weather was nice … try as I might I couldn’t find anyone to attend a wine tasting with me. So I went to “his” place, alone. The wine tasting was elegant as always and I even met a couple of women there that were interesting enough to talk to. “He” was serving wine at the “white” table and called me over more than once to sample. I played things very cool and seemed interested enough but no more than any other woman he poured for … mind you; I was the only one he kissed directly on the lips at first greeting.

When I was ready to make my exit I sashayed over to say goodbye … we exchanged a few pleasantries that seemed like “busy talk” to me and he asked me to bake him cookies again. I was pleased and I obliged his consideration … I told him I would visit again on Tuesday. Now normally this wouldn’t have been a big deal but because it has been a long amount of space since I have even laid my eyes on this target I was excited. The idea of having a crush or someone to lust on excites me and reminds me that I indeed do have feelings and am in fact a living breathing woman despite the stone cold perfected demeanor I choose to relish in.

Almost a week later I found myself at the lounge with gifts of sweets for the object of my desire. I sat at the bar and sipped Pinot Gregio for a while then upon arrival he joined me. The conversation was fruitful … over the weeks past I had decided that I would let my intentions be known … not fully knowing what my intentions were I opted to describe my character as I see myself so that if he had any misconception of the young, pretty, Pittsburgh girl it was doused. But before I even got to that, I flat out asked him where he stood … that’s where the above acknowledgments came into play. As I said, I wasn’t surprised at the actions just the audacity. As the night went on every now and again I marveled in his “brilliance” he reiterated that fact that he hadn’t ever disrespected me … in fact he hadn’t… but he indeed had disrespected her in the greatest capacity as far as I was concerned. Some “man” he is. As I am… as a woman, of course, I believed what I wanted as far as he was concerned, so now that I know of course, things that I thought I thought are no longer relevant.

I did leave him with a kiss and a promise that I wanted nothing from him.

Now as I gaze out of the window of my offices’ penthouse suite, I wonder how well can you really know anyone that you admire from afar? Even with having previous dealings and a big crush – wasn’t ignorance bliss? This new founded information has put tarnish on any shiny feelings I had ever felt. Even though I had no evidence my intuition had indeed known “something” was out of place all along.

Still true to who I am – I trust to think that the gaze from afar is much better than the stare from up close.