What a year it has been for the world. No matter the effects of the influences we can not control in the plural, we never lose the ability to grow as individuals. This year I am acknowledging and attesting to that in the highest form.
A year of change, growth and becoming. This past year I taught myself a few things of epic proportions. With well planned actions, high finagled ideas and full focus on myself and abilities, the lessons i’ve learned have once again set the base work for the next part of my life. Strange to say, or even type – I finally feel like i’m ready. Ready for what, is uncertain but i’m confident i’m MADE for whatever in life is next.
Walk with me through a bit of self exploration.
Finding me – I literally sat back and asked myself what I wanted in life. What experiences I control and what about myself did I discover and not like as an adult, with regard to myself and others. Lastly, what could I change immediately and gradually to work on these things.
What I found was…
- I’m a bit controlling, this may be considered a negative, BUT with my “controlling” tendencies come an abundance of results. When I am directing a situation the outcome is as extraordinary as my vision.
- I want others to be as “perfect” as I perceive myself to be. By perfect, I mean always looking forward and trying to fix what seems obviously “wrong.” As an adult it’s a chilling experience to find that people you’ve known your whole life, act out of what you think their character should be. Everyone is their own, no matter what experiences you may have shared through the years. It’s not a matter of disappointment, rather choosing to acknowledge different paths for each of us.
- I have a big, STRONG personality. At first I thought only big personalities were attracted to me, but when I took an introspective look at why I seemed to be pursued by a certain type of man or kept certain kinds of friends, I found that wasn’t exactly true. I’m intimidating and unapproachable… and usually by choice. I don’t want to be around people who are intimidated by me, I desire to be surrounded by other strong minded people who stand by their convictions and those eager to learn to be so. This doesn’t leave room for much else. It’s the reaction I get for being who I am. The result is men with big egos and a very small circle of friends. The only problem with this is the men lack the grounding I require to move forward. I don’t have ego – I have confidence. Men mix this up, and it turns into resentment when you actually find that who I am has nothing to do with the way I look. My seeds are planted deep. Problematic for all those involved.
Focusing on me – I had to approach focusing on my self with zero fucks to give. The past year I have let go of my good natured giving of self, you-care-about-this-more-than-i-do-so-you-can-have-it way of thinking. I have realized, that for the longest, I gave so freely to others, mostly undeserving because I found happiness in being ABLE to. I find happiness in being a source of salvation because early on, I learned to be my own. For myself, I find it a weakness. This year I saved me for me. I tasked myself with only focusing on myself. Because I set my life up in a way that I am able, there isn’t a soul that went neglected during this time. When I say I focused on myself, I mean I enjoyed the fruits of my labor, within reason without exception. I congratulated myself for small accomplishments while pushing towards the new without a negative thought. And as always if something didn’t turn out as planned I refocused my sails. In the past I’ve felt a bit of “embarrassment” from my accomplishments, and for the person i’ve built myself. It felt undeserved, so instead I gave that energy to those around me. Though very focused on achieving, i’ve always kept my long term goals a secret. It never seemed necessary to convey them out loud. This, of course became the year of speaking into existence. Still a work in progress, but small progress is still progress.
Me – I’m so sure of who I am, and the fact that I like me that I no longer see a reason to be embarrassed of the confidence i’ve built over the years. I deserve what I have created, and only I could ruin that. Not OWEING anything to anyone is a beautiful feeling, I can finally put that into words. Becoming my truest version of myself FOR myself completely equals happiness.
Remember to love yourself first. Focus First.